The Hogwarts Graduate

I’ve been working on this parallel movies database - reimagining various titles in a slightly twisted world. Here’s what I got:

• The King’s Speech Impediment

• My Other Left Foot - in the dramatic sequel Daniel Night Lewis uses his right foot

• Game of Drones - that’s a bunch of parasitic loafers having political squabbles

• The Boring Identity - where Matt Damon sorts through a mound of paperclips by color

• Lord of the Hobbits - the epic journey of diminutive men with even smaller problems

• 1917 The Movie - that’s just War Horse without the horse

• Fantastic Cumberbatches and Where to Find Them - I’m totally gonna make a dating app out of this one

The Hogwarts Graduate - this one’s The Graduate where... well it’s a longer story. All those Hogwarts graduates, what do they do after they leave school? I mean they can’t use their magic tricks in the muggles world. So the official job titles will need to change: ‘Congratulations mate, you’re a magician now!’

Can you imagine Harry going ‘Pick a card... come on, I used to be the Chosen One, just pick a card!’? And when he needs to get paid he does not take Venmo, cause that’s Valdemo - maybe I should not pronounce his name - it’s the Dark Lord’s app. From epic fights with dark wizards to looking for his heart in the dark diagonal alleys of the muggle world - he used to ride a broomstick, now he’s mopping and moping around...

Hermione, with her zero-fault tolerance is probably Matt Damon’s assistant, sifting through that stationery. She’s sharper than a paper sheet, but nobody’s niece. Nonetheless, she’s adamant like she’s trying to turn nepotism into pure gold. Now that’s a Philosopher’s Stone - one big stepping stone for meritocracy...

Ron’s a sous-chef now, working on spicy sauces, not spicy sorceresses. ‘Yeah, here’s where the magic doesn’t happen...’ He’s no good at making crème brûlée, but he can make a kick-ass crème burlesque. Who knew that all it took to find that courage was a fan, a cane and ‘All that jazz!’.

Then, the other two Weasley brothers are tech entrepreneurs - they thought they’ll be the wizards of Tech-Bro Valley. They say their AI product is ‘making magic’, but because they don’t get how algorithms work they call it ‘secret sauce’. We’ve got two brothers on a mission - more like two missionaries in no position.

Draco’s an extra in some spin-off of House of Cards, just cause it reminds him of his Slytherin House. He’s such a nut job, pretty sure he gets paid in doughnuts.

Well, their job interviews would be quite something. Draco would probably get a strange kick out of those dementor squeezes. The interviewer’s like, ‘So, Mr. Malfoy, tell me about your biggest weakness.’ Draco staring them down ‘Faults? I have none. I literally bought Faulty Towers’. ‘I see... and how do you handle conflict in the workplace?’, ‘I usually have people for that. But if I must… Imperium! mmm, Emporium! damn it, Imperio?!’. And you know that at the end of the interview he’ll go ‘Hey, you’re hot! Are you on Fantastic Cumberbatches?’

That’s how you’re crushing it - here, in the muggles world! Yes, you Gryffindors, even when you lose your way remember: you don’t need to be the Wizard of Oz to find your courage, wits and heart!

And that’s the latest addition to the parallel database: The Boring Supremacy - in a world squeezed by desuetude, fighting for magic is magic in itself!

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